Heart of a Princess
There has been a tremendous load on my mind lately. It is as if my brain is a computer about to go into a complete system overload, leaving me in distress.
I have had a lot of excitement towards the future lately. I keep wondering about the different paths in life I may take. I wonder if theses paths will one day connect. Connect by binding together into a single continuum combining time and space into a single entity, advancing the creation of my existence.
There are two topics that have always interested me more than anything else. I am fascinated with the universe and the mystery behind its creation. In addition to this I have been very fascinated with the psychology of the female mind. I love challenging topics they are a means for me to truly test the depths of my intellectual limitations and as a result recognize my abilities as a human being.
I love Goku from Dragonballz a lot. A lot can be learnt from fictional charchters, looking at their character traits. Getting excited by the thrill of a challenge is Goku’s true source of his ability to increase his power so dramatically. I look up to Goku more than any person in real life, since we connect with this idiosyncrasy on such a profound level. I feel as though he is more real to me than anyone.
I have always wanted to be a hero for as long, as I can remember. Using my abilities associated with my autism. I would essentially create what I now call parallel universes. These would start out more fantasy based and begin to become more realistic as I began to grow up.
These universes have been centralized around an alter ego used to express my heroic self-known as the angel of fire. Gavriel, the angel of fire, was an angel that God created for obliviating the evil ones. Fire represents rage, which is a necessary component for a warior to have to fight effectively.
I feel as though all the rage built inside of me, can be used to fight for what is right. This will help me utilize my hero complex. Why I have had all this rage in the first place is question a have been asking myself for many years.
Maybe it stems from being stuck in my head all the time. Perhaps it comes from people failing to understand me. Could it come from not being able to express my true self, which I find tremendously difficult to articulate (after all I am one complicated guy). I think it comes from from always feeling alone and isolated.
What good is having all these crazy thoughts running through my mind, when there’s no one to truly share them with. I have begun to cry my heart out upon writing this. Am I gifted or am I cursed, is a question I have always asked. I get so pissed off at people who feel like they can relate to the pain and suffering I endure. They may know what being alone feels like but not to the extent I have to deal with, every waking moment of my life. I continue to cry upon this pain that feels as if my bones are frozen, while I am bleeding from the inside.
Its okay to cry, sometimes we absolutely must do so. I don’t feel like a pussy like most guys out there do. By crying I have the courage to let go of the ego generated from the anger inside me. It is as if the tears are rain coming down from the heavens, putting out the fiery inferno, which stems from my fears.
I begin to face my fears and get back up even stronger than I was before. Men often think woman are the weak ones for giving into their emotions. They in fact are the weak ones for not having the courage to deal with their negative emotions and simply suppress them being left as angry assholes. In the past I felt weak for having a strong feminine side. Now I realize it to be a beautiful gift.
It does contribute in any way, shape, or form to me being less of a man. Not only does it demonstrate the fact that I am comfortable with both my sexuality and masculinity. It also allows me to channel all my masculinity in the areas of my life, where it is most essential. A true man is not some shmuck on Wall Street with lots of money or assholes that think there so cool for fucking as many silly bitches’ as possible. A true man is confident, courageous, and persistent towards his ambitions in life.
He doesn’t do this for money, woman, power, or pride. He does this for the sole purpose of becoming the ideal human being, he desires to be. Deep inside the confines of my heart and sole, I know I am this man.
I keep thinking about what I can do to be the real-life hero I so much desire to be. I feel like being a hero needs additional motivation. For example, the desire to protect and be there for the people you cherish more than anything else in this world.
I have substantial love for my nephews and niece. There was a point in my life, when I thought that finding God is all I needed for me to comfortably accept my death, resting in piece. This was complete bullshit Gavriel. Being a hero means caring for someone other than yourself, in the most explicit way possible.
I remembered my niece who was born with down syndrome. I would watch the way that little girl would struggle and give everything she had to try and to meet up to the level of her neurotypical twin brother. I know that deep within her there are special talents, which she is so desperately trying to tamper into. Something I have somewhat struggled with myself.
By seeing her have the courage to overcome these struggles, reminds me of me overcoming my own struggles in life. It inspires me to go above and beyond my normal limitations. Many people see her through nothing but sympathy as a disabled child. I see her as nothing short of a beautiful princess who will one day beat the statistics.
My sister may do everything in her power to get her the help she needs, but it just isn’t enough. I feel my soul speaking to me telling me that I have the power to truly help her. I want to help you Anna but I don’t know how. I have become so damn lost from these pills that I no longer even know who I am.
I start to begin coming off the junk and slowly start to witness a monster being created, through the reflection in my mirror. I hate the person I have become. It’s as if my soul has become possessed by this demonic force, acting as a parasite on my life. With each passing day I see myself being dragged closer and closer into a dark oblivion.
Everything I have ever cared for is beginning to fade into darkness. I have become shattred by broken dreams. I am not going to deal with this now, maybe later. So what’s it going to be this time Gavriel. More speed to get amped up again? Take some sedatives and pass out? How about I smoke a little weed? Don’t do that shit as much as I used to. Perhaps this time it will help give me some brilliant and creative ideas or just leave me paranoid. Now worries here, nothing a little xani can’t help with.
When will this cycle ever end? I want the old Gavriel back, but when I stop I just see a worthless piece of shit. Anyways the old Gavriel was miserable even before he began using. It appears sobriety won’t provide me with much anyways. Might as well keep popping those pills, as there seems to be no way out.
I am beginning to become completely delusional. The junk has left me with so many unfinished projects and ideas, never being able to find the final solution. The ego is a powerful mechanism and if I continue to give into it, insanity is sure to come.
I sometimes worry that this will happen again, but I feel as long as I continue ti have divine faith in God I come to find peace of mind. Its amazing how so much has changed since than. I never imagined that I could feel this great about myself and have ambitions I never thought I had.
I tend to have my moments of weakness and be very critical of myself. Deep down I know that I am a good guy and mean well. Its my feelings sometimes cloud my judgement. I keep wondering whether or not my sister has any idea that my greatest ambition for going back to school is to help my niece (not that that’s the only reason).
I feel as though her soul knows and I will refrain from speaking to her about this. I remember when I was 11 years old and she had gotten hooked on the opiates, spending time with her while she was all alone. Nobody else wanted anything to do with her. Though it tore me up inside seeing her in such an awful state, I had the courage to continue spending time with her.
I could not leave her alone, not like that. Those were such dark times. There was something she told me that I will never forget, “you’re so great Gavriel I wish all men were like you”. It was one of the three sweetest things someone has ever told me. One was from my friend Kyle, who when I asked why I wished to hang out with me so much, despite having so many other friends he replied, “Because you’re the only one who is real”. The other was when I was one night speaking with my friend Sara. I told her that my main problem is being lazy. She responded, “no. your just disinterested.
I know this is true. When I have my mind and heart set on something, my ambitious qualities are greater than most if not everyone I know.
I know that many people may view my desires of being a hero by perusing the things I cherish in my life may sound childish. I cant control this and think of my favorite quote of all time by Goku, “I cant change who I am, not on the battlefield. My feelings are my guide.
I am who I am and theres nothing I can do to change this. I may fail but as Theodore Roosevelt would say, “ If I am to fail at the very least I will fail by dareing greatly”. I have my family to help motivate me. I love my nephews, they are such great kids and are also very intelligent. They look up to me a lot. I hope that one day I will show the world what I am truly made of and inspire them to don the same.
I just saw my nephew aerial for the first time in three years. I spent a lot of time talking to him. He is such a brilliant kid. I am rarely shocked by someone’s level of intelligence. His is certainly an exception to the rule. My heart broke when he told me about how its tough having divorced parents.
I am so glad I could spend the time with him that I did. I especially loved it when he asked “uncle Gavriel is it your Asperger’s that makes you so smart.
I just learnt that my dad has cancer. This has mad me even more determined to work much harder in my recovery. I so desperately wish for him to see the greatness I will one day achieve.
Anyways it’s starting to get late. It’s been a long day between work, my insane gym workout, and therapy. I feel like life has become so superficial in the twenty first century and a true hero is needed. I don’t know if I can ever truly become that, however I will never know if I don’t try.
I have begun to realize that it’s not my intellectual gifts, talents or looks that cause me to love the person I am. It’s the courage that lies deep within my heart that I truly value more than anything else.
My Grandfather called me Gavriel the wise when I was born. He died when I was one and therefore never got to meet him. I have heard stories about him and it appears I resemble many of his character traits. He was the greatest singer Iran had ever had. I feel the blood that ran through his veins, runs through mine as well. I wish I could have met him so much.
At least I had my grandmother before she died when I was eight. She was my best friend, the only person who truly understood me, and she was everything to me. I wish she would have been around for longer. I needed her.
I had no idea that having no choice but to suppress my emotions upon learning of her death, would leave me in a dark depression for fifteen years. I could finally properly mourn her death and move past this. This brought back the happy Gavriel.
It’s now time for me to go show the world what I am truly made of. I will end this with a quote. The world is a dangerous place not because of the dangerous people in it but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.